Lately I’ve spent time reminiscing on the last few years of my life. In these reflections I am reminded of Mary and the price she was willing to pay, the surrender she offered—to express her gratitude and admiration for her Lord and Savior.
“And being in Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as he sat at meat, there came a woman having an alabaster box of ointment of spikenard very precious; and she brake the box, and poured it on his head.” — Mark 14:3
I now see the breaking of Mary’s alabaster box as a beautiful depiction of the last three years of my life. Since my baptism in June 2023, the journey has been one of profound reshaping. Roughly halfway through, my longing for Jesus to step into my life intensified to the point where I learned I wanted to lay down my life so He could step in and rewrite my story.
There are many firsts in surrender. For me, cursing and alcohol had to be moved out of the way first—a necessary clearing of the landscape of my mind and heart to allow my motives to be recalibrated. This shift opened the door, exposing a hidden territory laden with idols and false worship. The most significant among these was the idol of accomplishment. This surrender meant walking away from graduate school; though I was initially heartbroken, that empty space allowed me to embark on a journey with a community to learn how to walk into the freedom Christ purchased for me at Calvary.
Jesus is so good to you when you experience His love in your freedom that, for me, even that wasn’t enough. I wanted—no, I needed—more of Him. November 16, 2024, stands as a pivotal marker for what would happen next.
The Scale of Freedom
The months following were hard. The next phase was a deep dive into the mechanics of grace. The learning the true scale of my freedom. It wasn’t just a concept; it was a reality I had to learn to inhabit.
What God showed me on November 16, 2024 did not match my reality at all though. All the power I thought I had at my disposal was suddenly moot. From late 2024 into early 2025, the season shifted from walking into freedom to learning the sheer depth of freedom waters Jesus had portioned for me.
In this space, my faith grew in giving voice to Christ’s brilliance and learning true forgiveness.
Through fasting and prayer, I realized even more so where I had been worshiping the wrong things. When I surrendered that false worship, my desires experienced a shift and I began to change. From the outside looking in these changes didn’t make sense to the people who knew me. Remembering Mary’s worship I found comfort in knowing that it is okay to just sit at the saviors feet and pour out for Him. Thank you Mary for showing me that:
Surrendering and breaking from this world’s mold for Jesus is the most beautiful form of worship.
I look back at that time and I see a little girl in braided pigtails wearing a white and yellow poka dotted dress twirling as the sunsets. Twirling and wondering:
Who was she supposed to be?
What was she was made for?
Where did she truly belong?
Breaking for Jesus will oftentimes not look pretty or call for this world’s version of applause.
In my breaking, I found such sweetness though I laid down what I thought I was and who I was supposed to be. In its place I found His identity He had planned for me.
First and foremost, I found that I am a mother; and in raising my daughter, I discovered that I, too, am a daughter of the King. In this identity, I found how daughters are cared for, nurtured, protected, validated, and provided for. For daughters are precious. The lives they carry into this world, and the dreams they have for their children and spouses help to shape the world that sons forge for them.
The days that cultivated Jesus like character and eventually motives in identity were the hardest days. I ran into so much worldly conflict as I fought to see my Savior’s face every day. But He always showed up and lead the way. Every morning, spiritual warfare sounded off an alarm blaring in my mind a soundtrack of defeat. Trusting God was the beat that kept me in cadence of His heartbeat for me. That trust, and the messages sent to me through one of His angels, are what helped keep me and hold me as He molded me into something new.
In this holding on I learned that faith always moves forward. Taking it one day at a time is the best way to hold on to joy while you experience the good plans He has for you.
The day you intentionally tell your Creator:
- I need you.
- Submerge me in water and raise me to life.
- Fill me with your Holy Spirit.
- Keep me from missing the mark and use me for Your good and perfect will.
This is the most rewarding hard thing you will ever do. In my journey I found that when Jesus meets this world’s brokenness, the “shaking” after breaking helps to expand the space of His presence for His glory.
“Whose voice then shook the earth: but now he hath promised, saying, Yet once more I shake not the earth only, but also heaven. And this word, Yet once more, signifieth the removing of those things that are shaken, as of things that are made, that those things which cannot be shaken may remain.” — Hebrews 12:26-27
I experienced being made in my shaking as well as the shaking loose of things that held me back from living the life of abundance He gave us. The breaking and shaking recreated in me something so beautiful. I am just so grateful and I’m in awe.
I remember Lord. Thank you for moving me out of the way so that I can clearly see you, see your children, and be a guide for those that long to experience your loving embrace. 🖤
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